August 13, 2002 - 1:31 pm

I'm really lazy people. i'm sorry, its the truth. i'm really trying to keep writing in here but for some reason i've been at a loss for words lately.

so i was going to try to be really clever and find my old locked diary and steal entries from there.

and then i actually went back and read it.

my god, i sucked. that was the lamest thing ever and i'm sorry to those of you who put up with all that stupid drama.

it's amazing how childish i sound and it's not even from a year ago. sheesh, i'm really embarassed.

but not so embarassed that i'm not going to recycle the entries. i'm more lazy than embarassed folks.

so moving on.

November 14th, 2001

When i'm looking at Adobe pdf files and i have to click on something with the mouse, i feel dirty. something about the little hand cursor on the screen doing that little squeeze action makes me feel dirty.

November 20th, 2001

some women do snap. my grandmother snapped. she's about 63 years old and she's a total ho. no joke, she really is a ho. my grandmother adores wearing leopard prints and this is before the whole animal prints fad had hit.

actually no it's not, she did do it when the fad hit, WHEN THE FAD HIT IN THE SEVENTIES, she just never stopped. she wears huge heavy gaudy earings, dyes her hair jet black with henna and likes purple lipsticks with matching eye shadows and fuschia rouge. she wears string bikinis and stilletto boots (not at the same time, thank god). she's had more boyfriends since her divorce about five years ago, than i have had in my lifetime and (truthfully) they have probably all been closer to my age than hers. yup, that's my grandma. i can't stand her.

sure, it sounds all great and funny until she really IS your grandma. trust me it's not that great.

you know how people say, "i hate my dad he's never been a real father to me" or "i hate my mom, she's never been there for me as a mother"? well, i always think, 'god what could it be like to not have that mother figure or father figure in your life?' but the truth is i know. i know because i dont have that grandma figure. she's never baked me cookies, she never made crafts and shit, i never felt like her home was all cozy and comfy the way you see on tv. she didn't have a two ill tempered cats named "boots" and "felix". nope, not her.

my grandmother had a horny chihuahua named tequila who used to hump my leg all the time.

she didn't make me silly bunny halloween costumes or hideous dresses. she bought me, a seven year old, clothes that a rich 30 year old woman would wear. she dressed me up like a fucking skipper wife.

i remember this one dress it looked like a really fitted red peacoat that was knee length and flared, it had a huge collar (practically a lapel) and a gaudy red belt with a big gold buckle that went around my waist. saying that it was definitely not something any of my classmates were wearing that season is putting it mildly. but apparently my grandma thought this outfit was going to make me the envy of all the other second grade girls. i looked like a cross between little red riding hood and debi gibson. it was sick i tell you.

but it wasn't just that that made me hate my grandma. one of my most vivid childhood memories is watching her yell at my mother and kick her out because grandma had asked me if i had fun with my cousin danny and my uncle freddy (freddy is her son, from her second marriage who is only 2 years older than me). i said something like "sure but you know freddy and danny are always fighting". innocent little comment right? WRONG! my grandma flipped out. my mom tried to tell her that i didn't mean anything by it (which was true). but my grandma said "everyone thinks danny is a little angel (uh, that's because he was) and my little freddy is this demon child (yes, he also was)". she yelled at my mom and kicked her out and my mom and i left. my mom cried the whole way home. i kept saying "sorry" thinking it was my fault. but my mom just kept crying. she hates it when she upsets anyone in the family (my mother is the most selfless person on earth).

basically, my grandma is a bitch.

i wish i could tell her that, but i don't for my mom's sake. i wouldn't want to hurt my mom. i know that if i did say anything to my grandma she wouldn't have the guts to yell at me or slap me, but i'm positive that she would turn right around and do it to my mother.

my mom would do anything, yes ANYTHING, for my grandmother.

anything except leave my dad, that is. that's the one area where she has held her ground. my grandma has been telling her to dump his ass for years. my mom won't though, she loves my dad way too much. and he loves her too, just not the way she deserves to be loved. i don't think there is anyone capable of loving her as much as i think she deserves. i know my dad comes closer than anyone else though.

my grandma hates my dad and she's not that fond of me either. in fact lots of people in the family shit talk my dad and me. we're blunt and honest and we call it like we see it. my dad and i don't bullshit. we state our opinions and we do it often. and if our opinions aren't welcome, too bad. we're not hypocritical, but it's hard for a lot of people in my family to face the truth. my moms family is really screwed up. really. screwed. up. if my uncle freddy killed a person (which he probably has, no joke. in fact i'm pretty sure he is in prison now, but i'm not sure why this time) and everyone in my mom's family saw it happen and then my grandma said "okay, you didn't see anything. he didn't kill anyone" the entire family would do what she said. they would even go to court and lie up the yin-yang saying that my uncle didn't kill anyone.

whereas my father and i would get up and testify and say "yeah, he totally killed him, in cold blood!" i know people don't like my dad and me, they say that we come off as really self righteous and truthfully sometimes we are. but blind loyalty has never been too high on my list, in fact its a huge pet peeve.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park