September 20, 2002 - 9:31 am

he's not fucking joking.

i told him i would do karaoke singing and dancing IF he got me drunk enough.

what he doesn't know is that if i plan on doing it, I PLAN ON DOING IT. oh boy, do i mean to do it.

see, i'm not just the get-sloppy-and-make-an-ass of yourself type of girl.

i do it, in style.

so when he says dance routines and karaoke, i think green sparkly sequin sweaters with matching leg warmers and head bands,-oh yeah, and some black spandex leggings. i want to be the latina olivia newton john with her short jewish sidekick.

yeah, i don't get embarassed easily.

on another note, i had my most embarassing moment yesterday. no, for real this time. no really, i mean it, i think this is THE one.

see, i went to the gynecologist. yes, the gynecologist. for the weak stomached, she's the person who pokes around in my bagina to make sure i'm okay.

by the way, being told that i have a "very pink, healthy uterus" is one of the best compliments i've received in a long time.

it's almost as sweet as that time that eli told me: "you have a laugh like beautiful heavy metal music".

anyhow, back to my story. so, i'm sitting there, spreadin 'em, and she says "would you like me to do the gonorrhea and chlamydia culture swabs while i'm here?"

and i say "swab away, bagina lover".

(not really)

so she does the swabs and puts them in a little test tube that goes in a ziplock bag. after my appointment the nurse hands me the bag and says, "you have to take these to the lab yourself since our reception desk is already closed. go to the second floor and all the way down the Walkway, lab's on your right".

SWEET! i've got my juices in a bag!

now, before i go any further i have to describe the mapping of this hospital. it's basically shaped like a "U" with a courtyard in the middle. at the top of the "U" is the Walkway that connects both sides. the Walkway has glass walls so you can see the courtyard, which consists of a nice lawn with some benches on it.

so i'm going down this walkway and admiring the nice little courtyard (the walls of the hallway were glass) when i notice that there is about a 4 inch gap between the floor and the glass walls.

instantly, i think to myself, 'wouldn't it be funny if i dropped my juices on the floor and they fell through the gap?'

no, actually it really wouldn't. it would just be embarassing.

see, i decide to tempt fate, and start tossing my little ziplock bag in the air. i have the mentality of a 3 year old, if i think something bad might happen, i have to try to see if i can get away with not letting it happen.

if the stove is hot and i think i'll get burned, i'll touch it anyway. ask eli, how often i take super hot bowls out of the microwave with my bare hands.

so, i'm walking along tossing, catching, tossing, catching, tossing...

guess what?...

i'll fucking tell you what. my gonorrhea/chlamydia test fucking fell through the fucking gap, that's what!

i look down, it landed right next to a bench. well, since it was about 5:30pm there was nobody there.

'perfect! i'll run down the Walkway, down the stairs, across the courtyard and pick it up. no one has to see!'

WRONG!! oh god, i was so fucking wrong!

i get down to the courtyard and who should find my bag of jizz and pick it up but a construction worker.

they were still working.

he's holding the bag about a foot from his face, obviously trying to read the label when i run and say, "excuse me that's mine! i dropped it!" and snatch it out of his hand.

luckily the test tube was plastic and tightly sealed. there was no bagina juice spillage.

it's a good thing too because i wouldn't have wanted that poor construction worker to get all my diseases.

(just kidding)

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park