September 27, 2002 - 10:24 am
warning: this entry will be a little on the politically incorrect side. if you are sensitive, don't read.
those honkies. sometimes, they don't get it.
i remember one time when i was 11, i went over to my best friend Amber's house for dinner. she lived across the street from me, and was probably what mass media would have you believe is the "all american girl".
first of all she was white and she was adorable. she had these healthy pink cheeks, sparkling green eyes and platinum blonde hair. she was very pretty.
but funny things happened when i went over her house. her mom would talk really loud and slow to me. she was always nice and her tone was never offensive but it was just, i don't know, weird.
"HELLLOOOOO ANNIEEE, HOW ARE YOU TODAYYYYYYY? THAT'S GREEAAAAATTTTTT. AM-BER TELLS ME YOU ARE GET-TING STER-RAIGHT AAAAAA'SS. THATS WON-DERRRRR-FULLLL."
see, the funniest part of it is, she knew i spoke english. she knew i understood it. i didn't have an accent at all, but for some odd reason, she still talked to me this way.
whatever, i didn't care too much. i let her have her fun.
anyhow, so we were sitting there eating burritos for dinner. Now let me explain that my mom never made us burritos. the closest thing we got to a burrito was a rolled up tortilla with melted butter. in fact, the only time we really ate burritos was on those special occasions when the family would pack into the red VW bus and drive to taco bell. i remember those days like they were yesterday...
(annie fades into contemplative reminiscent state while staring at her computer screen).
annie: i want mexican pizza!
dad: that's too 'spensive. you crazy?
annie: i want a double decker, then!!!
dad: ANNIE! i'm just a truck driver! i'm not made of dollars!
mom: WELL, WHAT CAN THEY EAT THEN?
dad: don't yell at me maria.
mom: i'm not yelling, i'm just asking.
little sister #1: i want cinnamon twists!
mom: we're here for dinner, not dessert!
little sister #2: i want shinnamon twishts too!!
dad: Forget it! burritos for everyone! we're going home.
(annie jerks and snaps back to reality).
so, i'm eating this burrito that amber's mom made and stuff is falling out. i decide to use my mad ass taco bell folding skills, ahh yeah.
cue loud mexican mariachi music here.
amber: mom, these burritos are messy. all my stuff is falling out. hey! look at annie's, hers is perfect!
amber's mom: i know honey. that's her culture, THEY know how to fold burritos. she probably helps her mom do it. (smiles at me) right, annie?
annie: huh? mariachi music stops playing
i was never offended by this. more than anything, i would tell my mom and dad when i got home and we'd all have a good laugh at our neighbors. no harm done.
the funny thing is, stuff like this still happens to me.
yesterday for example.
i bought these frozen burritos from safeway because they were hella cheap and i planned on taking them to work and eating them for lunch.
so yesterday, i pop two in the microwave and then take them to my desk where i proceed to eat them with a knife and a fork because they're too hot.
okay, let me describe these burritos, so you can have a better feel for the story i'm about to tell you.
first of all they're tiny, no longer than the palm of my hand and no wider than my wrist. they're perfectly wrapped very tight and sealed with that frozen food adhesive.
(is there really an adhesive for frozen food? if so, is it as good for sniffing as glue? er, my sister wants to know).
back to the story,
so basically what i'm trying to say is, these were some fake ass burritos, except for the fact that they were edible. just take my word for it that they did NOT look homemade at ALL.
here comes hannah honkey around the corner and goes:
HH: oooh, what are you eating?
HH: ooooh, did you make those at home?
annie: no, they came in a frozen pack of 10 and i nuked them for 2 minutes.
i told eli about it last night and we laughed for like 5 minutes.
little word of advice to the white people. when the brown girl in your office is sitting there eating something that looks like a frozen burrito, don't assume that its homemade, just because she's ethnic. she'll go home and tell all her friends about it and they'll have a damn good laugh at your expense.
i have a newsflash, latinos DO know about microwaves (hello, we've known for like 3 years now!) and we like to USE them just as much as the white folk.
don't get me wrong though. i've made little cultural blunders too.
see, my best friend in high school was korean. i used to hang out at her house quite often and in addition to feeling like a freak because her mom and brother would stare at how big my eyes were, i also felt a little out of place. not to mention the fact that i was always afraid of doing something that might make me look like a complete ass.
well, if you know me, you know that "looking like a complete ass" comes naturally and there is really no way to avoid it. it would be like fucking with nature, or something along those lines. its just a phenomenon that mankind will never be able to understand or control.
well, trust me, i never embarassed myself at that house.
pfft, right, catherine?
anyhow. so one time, we were going to this chinese restauarant with her family and another korean family for her brother's graduation. while we were in the car, i looked at catherine and with a slight (undetectable) amount of panic in my voice, said:
annie: okay, is there any cultural thing i should know about that you guys do at dinner?
catherine: well, right before we eat, everyone passes their chopsticks to the right.
catherine: no, not really. dork.
and it's a real good thing she told me that she was joking, because it ended up mattering soo much, right, CATHERINE???
i wouldn't have been able to participate in this little ritual had it been true, anyhow. remember, cat???
see, when the waitress came and set the table she walked past each person and put down their utensils.
catherine's mom: chopsticks
catherines's dad: chopsticks
catherine's brother: chopsticks
SHE GAVE ME A FUCKING FORK WHEN EVERYONE ELSE GOT SOME DAMN CHOPSTICKS!!!
no! and you know what's better? what happened next was even better.
annie: uh, catherine? (staring at fork)
cat: yeah? (notices the only fork at the table) BUA-HA HA HA HA HA!!!! (turns to mom and dad) -insert korean banter here-.
pretty soon her entire family is laughing at me.
great, just great. i was the butt of some hysterical korean joke and i don't even fucking speak korean.
truth be told, it was actually pretty funny, and catherine and i relive that story all the time.
so that's it people.
what have we learned today?
1. Brown people own and use microwaves.
2. Koreans don't do any special cultural practices before they eat dinner.
3. Frozen food adhesive might be good for sniffing.
Aren't you happy you read?
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