November 01, 2002 - 1:37 pm

i'm going to tell a story about the olden days, ie. my freshman year in college. (six years ago)

see, i happen to be a graduate of that notable agricultural institution, that hub of the nations best future vetenarians, that cornucopia of farm animals and also the home of your favorite sorority girls: jordan, amanda, candace, deedee, jessica and mara - UC DAVIS.

yes, that is the school i went to. GO AGS!!!

anyhow, just to give you a little idea of how animals pretty much permeated our campus (and on some days, my thoughts), my freshman year i lived in an area called tercero that was adjacent to the cow barn.

no, we did not cow tip. you get kicked out of school if you do that, and, although many people aren't aware of this, you also cause severe injury to the cow oftentimes resulting in death.

(i think we learned that in orientation)

anyhow, you really shouldn't go to davis if you don't love animals in some sense. the fact is, they will always be around. they will find you some how, some way.

so for those girls who are planning to go to davis because you really admire jordan, change your mind right now. davis is not the place for you. allow me to suggest Chico State, San Diego State or, if you're dead set on attending a UC, go to UC San Diego. you can cheat your way through college a lot easier there, dumbasses.

so, back to the animals...

one summer i spent 2 hours in the arboretum trying to catch a rooster.

another time i picked some tall grass and fed it to a cow near my dorm, while i told her about all my problems. she was so sweet, she just listened. her name was merle. she had beautiful eyes...

where was i?

oh yeah, so, there was another time when i posed for pictures with llamas while my then boyfriend sang and snapped shots of me with my peruvian ungulate friends.

i also posed for pictures with pigs at the hog barn. i was putting together a scrapbook for a friend of mine who was moving to boston, i really wanted to capture the essence of davis, you know?

DO NOT MOCK ME!!! I AM AN AR-TEEEEST!

but, as far as i can remember my best memories with animals had to do with the goats and the ducks.

everyone knows about the ducks at davis, but i don't think everyone was as disturbed by some of their activities as i was.

i'm talking, people, about the sexual activities of ducks.

put simply, drakes rape the hens.

(yes, female ducks can be referred to as hens, usually they're just called ducks though).

anyhow, it's pretty fucking disturbing to watch a duck gang rape and it's quite difficult for me, a self proclaimed liberal feminist, to fight the urge to shoo all the drakes away by swinging my bookbag around screaming "no means no! mallard bastards! NO MEANS NO!"

does anyone else find they also have this problem? holly? jeffy?

these scenes, these horrible scenes of duck sexual practices, of which i had to bear witness, playback in my mind all too frequently.

as if this visual image isn't enough, i also have an auditory memory that i don't think i'll be forgetting any time soon.

goats, under the right circumstances, can make a sound that sounds far too much like the screams of a person.

by under the right circumstances, i'm referring to A.I.

no, not artificial intelligence. i can promise you that it was a little weird to get used to seeing a movie called that. see, for people who have worked in the medical field with animals, we all know that A.I. is artificial insemination.

yes, i had to artificially inseminate goats.

it was a fairly simple process.

here's what you do, in a nutshell:

(by the way, next time there is a goat that needs an emergency artificial insemination and you're the only one in the crowd who knows how to do it, don't forget to tell them that Annie Waits taught you this).

insert lubricated speculum into the does' (doe is a female goat) vulva. load sealed straw with thawed sperm into the insemination gun (yes, that's pretty much the technical term). cut off the sealed tip of the straw that is sticking out of the gun. put the gun through the speculum, deposit sperm in the cervix. stick a tampon/cotton cork thingee into her bagina to prevent leakage.

now that i've explained that process, let me explain the worst part.

inserting the speculum.

i know that it sounds so easy, and its the first step to the process, but believe me it's the worst.

the does don't like it, they start baa-ing a lot because they know something weird is about to happen but as soon as you shove that speculum in, its a whole 'nother goat noise, let me tell you.

put simply, they scream. and i do a pretty good imitation of it, but since my only vehicle of communication with you all is writing, i'll try to spell out the sound that a goat makes when you shove something in her vulva. you'll just have to imagine me performing it.

(remember that it starts off with simple innocent baa-ing).

baa-baa-baaa-baaaaa-baaaaa-BAAAAAA-BAAAAA-BAAAA-AAUUUGHHHHHHH!

thank you.

anyhow, it was really hard not to wince when they were making this noise, and i think everyone thought i was a sissy for doing it.

animal science people can be pretty fucking cruel.

which is why i decided to major in biological anthropology.

but! i still really love animals.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park