June 04, 2004 - 7:20 pm

My doctor is from some part of eastern Europe. Her last name is Andretti, so I’m assuming she’s Italian but her accent doesn’t seem Italian. As narrow-minded and well, “American” as it may sound, I always imagine that Italians ‘speak-a eenglish like-a this-a’ and try to offer me “a pizza pie & spumoni!” Everything is said emphatically with a lust for life and open arms.

My doctor doesn’t talk like this, hence leaving me unsure of how authentic her last name really is.

Dr. Andretti has a super deep and rich voice and (like I said) a VERY thick accent. Instead of pronouncing the word “antibiotics” as you and I would say it (5 syllables and slight emphasis on the “an” and the main emphasis on the “o”) she pronounces it “antee-beeo-thicks” and she always rolls her “r’s”.

Anyhow, she has an extremely dry sense of humor and it’s her little joke to look at me from above her glasses and rolls her eyes as if to say “why arrrre you heerrrre? therrre ees nothing wrrrong weeth you”.

Last time I went to go see her I had some kind of infection in my toe. Conversation went like this:

Dr. Andretti: Why arrrre you heerrre?

Annie: I have an infection in my toe. I think I’m dying.

Dr. Andretti: Yourrrr’e no dying. Let me see.

I proceed to take off my sock and show her my toe. Of course, I forget that I just recently got a pedicure and my infection is covered by Chanel’s Vamp.

Dr. Andretti: You have nail polish! I can not see notheeng. Lidia!

Lidia (her assistant comes in): Yes?

Dr. Andretti: You have nail polish remover?

Lidia: Yes.

Lidia goes and gets the acetone and while she’s doing so Dr. Andretti looks at me and says: “She ees young. She carrrry everyting een her purse.”

When Dr. Andretti gets the nail polish remover she gets a piece of cotton and looks at me. I regretfully hold up both hands with the palms facing me to show her that my fingernails are also done and I can’t take the nail polish off.

Dr. Andretti: Why I get theee feeling you only come heeerrrre to watch me take nail polish off yourrr toe?

Annie: Because I can’t hide how much I’m enjoying this.

That’s typically how our conversations go. Today was about the same. I had to go see her for two reasons: 1. I have a urinary tract infection and 2. I need a referral to a psychiatrist so that I can get on anti-depressants.

Dr. Andretti: Why you heerrre?

Annie: I have a urinary tract infection.

Dr. Andretti: Why you theenk that?

Annie: Because Wednesday night it started hurting and burning when I peed and I kept feeling like I had to pee even though I didn’t.

Dr. Andretti: What night?

Annie: Wednesday.

Dr. Andretti: What arrre you taking?

Annie: I got that over the counter AZO stuff for the pain but it said on the box I need to see a doctor for antibiotics as well.

Dr. Andretti: Anyteeng else?

Annie: I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Because I think I need to be on medication.

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Because I think I’m depressed.

(pause)

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Why?

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Fuck, I don’t know! because I’m alienating myself from my friends! Because I’m suspicious of everyone. Because I can sleep for ages. I can go home right now and not wake up until Monday. Because I have no attention span. Because I’ve told myself to snap out of it and I can’t. It’s out of my control. I need drugs. You’re not making this easy.

Dr. Andretti: I don’t theenk deprrrression ees your problem. I think eet ees anger.

Annie: Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about. Can I please get the referral?

Dr. Andretti: I give you referral, stupid girl.

Annie: Thank you, and thank you for calling me stupid when I just confessed to you that I’m practically suicidal.

Dr. Andretti: Thees ees temporrrarrry. You weell be o.k.

Annie: Thank you.

Dr. Andretti: Yes, yes. Come again.

Annie: I will.

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