June 04, 2004 - 7:20 pm

My doctor is from some part of eastern Europe. Her last name is Andretti, so I�m assuming she�s Italian but her accent doesn�t seem Italian. As narrow-minded and well, �American� as it may sound, I always imagine that Italians �speak-a eenglish like-a this-a� and try to offer me �a pizza pie & spumoni!� Everything is said emphatically with a lust for life and open arms.

My doctor doesn�t talk like this, hence leaving me unsure of how authentic her last name really is.

Dr. Andretti has a super deep and rich voice and (like I said) a VERY thick accent. Instead of pronouncing the word �antibiotics� as you and I would say it (5 syllables and slight emphasis on the �an� and the main emphasis on the �o�) she pronounces it �antee-beeo-thicks� and she always rolls her �r�s�.

Anyhow, she has an extremely dry sense of humor and it�s her little joke to look at me from above her glasses and rolls her eyes as if to say �why arrrre you heerrrre? therrre ees nothing wrrrong weeth you�.

Last time I went to go see her I had some kind of infection in my toe. Conversation went like this:

Dr. Andretti: Why arrrre you heerrre?

Annie: I have an infection in my toe. I think I�m dying.

Dr. Andretti: Yourrrr�e no dying. Let me see.

I proceed to take off my sock and show her my toe. Of course, I forget that I just recently got a pedicure and my infection is covered by Chanel�s Vamp.

Dr. Andretti: You have nail polish! I can not see notheeng. Lidia!

Lidia (her assistant comes in): Yes?

Dr. Andretti: You have nail polish remover?

Lidia: Yes.

Lidia goes and gets the acetone and while she�s doing so Dr. Andretti looks at me and says: �She ees young. She carrrry everyting een her purse.�

When Dr. Andretti gets the nail polish remover she gets a piece of cotton and looks at me. I regretfully hold up both hands with the palms facing me to show her that my fingernails are also done and I can�t take the nail polish off.

Dr. Andretti: Why I get theee feeling you only come heeerrrre to watch me take nail polish off yourrr toe?

Annie: Because I can�t hide how much I�m enjoying this.

That�s typically how our conversations go. Today was about the same. I had to go see her for two reasons: 1. I have a urinary tract infection and 2. I need a referral to a psychiatrist so that I can get on anti-depressants.

Dr. Andretti: Why you heerrre?

Annie: I have a urinary tract infection.

Dr. Andretti: Why you theenk that?

Annie: Because Wednesday night it started hurting and burning when I peed and I kept feeling like I had to pee even though I didn�t.

Dr. Andretti: What night?

Annie: Wednesday.

Dr. Andretti: What arrre you taking?

Annie: I got that over the counter AZO stuff for the pain but it said on the box I need to see a doctor for antibiotics as well.

Dr. Andretti: Anyteeng else?

Annie: I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Because I think I need to be on medication.

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Because I think I�m depressed.

(pause)

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Why?

Dr. Andretti: Why?

Annie: Fuck, I don�t know! because I�m alienating myself from my friends! Because I�m suspicious of everyone. Because I can sleep for ages. I can go home right now and not wake up until Monday. Because I have no attention span. Because I�ve told myself to snap out of it and I can�t. It�s out of my control. I need drugs. You�re not making this easy.

Dr. Andretti: I don�t theenk deprrrression ees your problem. I think eet ees anger.

Annie: Oh you don�t know what you�re talking about. Can I please get the referral?

Dr. Andretti: I give you referral, stupid girl.

Annie: Thank you, and thank you for calling me stupid when I just confessed to you that I�m practically suicidal.

Dr. Andretti: Thees ees temporrrarrry. You weell be o.k.

Annie: Thank you.

Dr. Andretti: Yes, yes. Come again.

Annie: I will.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park

last five entries:
I'm 30 now!
Kermit was wrong, it's actually pretty easy
you're no good
Los Reyes del Mambo!
Steve #1