October 07, 2004 - 1:47 pm

I'm back. For a bit, at least.

I'm trying this out again. Not sure where to begin.

In the last few months the following has happened:

1. I started a new relationship
2. I got dumped from said "new relationship"
3. I lost 2 friends
4. I tried to kill myself
5. I've struggled with and am beginning to come to terms with mental illness

Now, i'm here. back. I'm not sure what for. Maybe support?

Who knows if this will prove to be any type of release/aid for what I'm going through? But what the fuck, right? Worth a try, at least.

I'm okay right now. Truthfully, I'm okay. I'm not planning on attempting suicide again, at least not anytime soon and given how the next few months of my life are pretty much scheduled, I don't think I'll have too much time to think about myself, which is good. Thinking about myself is what usually makes me want to not be alive anymore.

I'm not sleeping well. I wake up every night between 3 and 4 in the morning. It's so hard to get back to sleep because my mind starts racing and usually the dreams I end up having after this leave me feeling so scared and hurt when I wake up.

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I was dumped. A week go almost. It's weird. To some extent, I deserved it and to another I don't feel I did, really. Is that how it always is when people get dumped?

Anyhow.

But you want to know the most pathetic part about it? I went out and bought altoids, the kind he used to eat.

Periodically, I'll take the box out of my bag, open it, close my eyes and sniff.

When I close my eyes, I can make believe that he's offering me one and think back to those times when he was near.

That's really pathetic, isn't it?

I'll get over him. I'll be fine. I'm really trying not to think about it. I just allow myself this one indulgence with the altoids.

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In a couple weeks I will begin going to group therapy. This is a really odd subject for me. At times, I joke about it and at times I'm dreading it.

I don't know what we'll talk about. I do know that the group is for women only. I guess I'm kinda looking forward to that. I miss my closest female friends, I forgot how important it is to have the company and the bond of other women around.

That's about it for now. Soon, I'm sure I'll start writing as if everything were okay again. I just had to get this out.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park