October 16, 2004 - 7:55 pm

I've just noticed that while my buddy list tells me who has added me as a favorite recently, it doesn't tell me who has dropped me.

What the fuck is up with that shit?

Perhaps Andrew realized that there were bitchtards like me out there who want to send hate mail to people who remove me from their favorites.

Just kidding, I have no desire to send hate mail to someone who drops me. But I AM a BITCHTARD!

So, I'm at this trendy restaurant/gallery in San Francisco right now. I'm surrounded by "art" that consists of old fashioned suitcases with a glass front panel and then stuff like logs or Kanji symbols inside.

Haven't decided how I feel about said art yet.

There was so much of a struggle happening this morning. Weekend mornings are bad for me, I'm alone and all I can think about is how I'll be alone for the next two whole days. Judging from the pattern I've most recently set for myself, not only will I be alone all weekend but in my pajamas too depressed to take a shower or go out.

Today I broke the pattern. I spent an hour and a half talking on the phone to my cousin who is giving birth to twin boys in December. She's come down with gestational diabetes and has to prick herself. I'm not jealous.

Although when I first started talking to her and listening to her talk about her pregnancy, about how these boys kick her and stomp on her bladder and get the hiccups all while in her belly, I was jealous.

I'd like to be a mother. I think I'd be a good mother.

Maybe I should think about that next time I think I'm wasting my time by sticking around here. Actually, that' might be a bad idea because then I have to think about how I'm single and probably will be for a long time.

Yeah, think I'll skip the "mom" thoughts.

I guess it's possible, but motherhood seems so far away to me right now. That kind of life, that stability, that responsibility seems decades off.

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So I went to my interview for group therapy. It sounds like something that I need but I'm not sure if I like the way the sessions are structured.

Okay, so I haven't exactly been to a session yet (not until Thursday) but I still think I may not like it.

First of all there are only 4 other people in the class and one of them is a man. A MAN!!! I know!!! I'm sure if I dig deep enough (and reach far enough) I can probably blame men for putting me in group therapy in the first place and now there's going to be one, one of them there?

So that's group therapy turn-off number one.

Number two.

The sessions are not really "sessions" they're actually more like classes. Us crazies are responsible for showing up every Thursday, sitting and listening for two hours and then (get this shit) we have homework. HOMEWORK!!!

Okay so it's not actual, homework-homework but we have to put the skills we learn to use during the week and write about them.

Here's what we will focus on interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance and emotional regulation. The foundation of the class is the zen buddhist philosophy of core mindfulness.

Interpersonal effectiveness: I've lost two good friends and a semi-boyfriend in the last two months. Yeah, I'm thinking I made have some shit to learn in this area.

Distress tolerance: I tried slashing my wrists because about 3 people were mad at me. Again, I just might benefit from this one.

Emotional regulation: I've yelled at and accused and let my paranoia take control enough to drive people who once cared about me away. I may have a few problems, here and there, occasionally regulating my emotions, maybe -it's possible.

Mindfulness: In reality, I'm not even sure I know what this means. Isn't that a bitch?

We'll see. I haven't really decided if I will take the classes because I don't think I need them.

I'M KIDDING PEOPLE!

I know I need them, it's all a matter of whether or not I can afford them.

Goddamn, feelings and shit. I wish I could just walk away from it all and say "Fuck this noise!!!"

But I have decided to stop dwelling on the past. Everything I learn will be applied to my life from this point on. Thinking about the past just makes me feel worse. It's time to close some doors and look for new ones

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park