May 27, 2005 - 2:27 pm

Earlier this week my dear friend Roger (many of you may remember him) got me tickets to go see a preview of the new musical "The Mambo Kings". I was a little disappointed by the show and below is an email I sent to Roger and my good friend Abby.

Alright kids, here�s my unsolicited review of "The Mambo Kings".

Opening � Um, what the fuck is going on? This is the weakest opening I�ve ever seen in a Broadway show, re-vamp that shit. Stat.

Acting � I�m a big Esai Morales fan, I think he�s an amazing actor and I think he was pretty good in this. Homeboy needs more confidence in his singing though. He CAN sing, he�s just scared and it�s VERY obvious to anyone who�s paying attention. Perhaps if you arrange a little one-on-one conversation, Roger, I could find ways to *ahem* encourage his ability.

Esai: I no know, eh. I don feel my singing ees good enough.
Annie: Silly Esai, you�re an amazing singer. Trust me. (slides his hand to her leg) Trust me�
Esai: I theenk I love ju.
Annie: I know.

(For the record, Esai Morales has NO accent whatsoever. I attribute the above transcription to my very own artistic license).

Jaime Camil: Okay acting. He�s a very good actor, at least he has been in the Spanish novelas. He�s a GREAT singer, but I think it�s one of those Shakira things where his voice is just more suited to Spanish songs. He obviously lacks some confidence too. I�m guessing it�s because his English is not that great. Come to think of it, I�d be willing to do a one-on-one pep talk with Jaime as well. Really it�s no trouble at all, if you know of anyone who can arrange it�

Actually, how about a two-on-one? I know, I know, I may over-exert myself but really it�s strictly for the sake of the show. I really want "The Mambo Kings" to do well when it hits Broadway and this is, I admit, because I myself am of the Latin persuasion. I, for one, would REALLY like to see a successful Broadway show that finally doesn�t stereotypically portray Latino�s as sexy, fiery, passionate people who dance up a storm even when in peril�oh, wait�

Albita: LORD AL-FUCKING-MIGHTY why are you guys wasting this woman�s talent???? Albita is HUGE in Latin America. If anyone is going to become what Celia Cruz was, it would be her. If my father saw that her role in this show was so small he would cry that the pinche Anglos let such a talent go to waste. I almost cried, for fucks sake! LET HER SING MORE. IN FACT, SCRAPE THE WHOLE SHOW AND LET ALBITA DO A CONCERT INSTEAD!

David Allan Grier: I think he�s got a big number somewhere in there but all I really remember was some hot lesbian action happening on the side. �Is someone singing right now? I don�t � OH MY GOD THOSE CHICKS ARE MAKING OUT AND I�M TOTALLY HOT FOR IT!!!� If you want anyone to pay attention to him, take the lesbians out of there. Also, give the girl with the red skin-tight outfit something with a little less, um�camel-toe?

I ended up liking the show a lot more towards the end, it was worth my time � but maybe not the $20.00 cab ride home.

Thanks, Roger. Feel free to submit my review to the Chronicle if you think it will be good publicity.

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Steve update: He's upset today because he and his wife can't be a Nielsen family.

And here I thought Nielsen families were typically lazy, low IQ couch potatoes...oh, wait again...

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park