July 16, 2002 - 10:55 am

my parents are two of the awesomest people on earth. i love the two of them so much. we have a very odd relationship, for some reason i'm considered their "crazy" daughter, i don't really understand this label. anyhow they're pretty involved in my life still, as you will notice in this last conversation that i recently had with them.

me: hey mami, guess what?

mom:what?

me: i have a boyfriend.

mom: WHAT??? WHAT'S HIS NAME???

me: insert difficult-to-pronounce-for-someone-with-a-spanish-accent name here.

mom: huh?

me: repeats name

mom: what?

me: says name again

mom: what kind of a name is THAT?

me: (laughing) it's a biblical name, mom.

mom: oh, so he believes in the bible?

me: um, no. that's just the name his parents gave him. he's not really religious.

mom: i don't like him.

me: mom, will you cut that out!

mom: how did you guys meet?

me: a friend of mine introduced us.

mom: is he nice to you?

me: no, actually, he beats me up.

mom: WHAT???

me: mom, it's okay. i like it.

mom: WHAT???

me: mom, i'm kidding. of course he's nice to me. he's very nice. he makes me laugh and he's shorter than i am.

mom: really?

me: yeah, mom, it's not like i'm that short, why do you sound so surprised?

mom: (ignores my question and starts her advice-rant as is usual for her around this point in the conversation) well, honey, be careful. take care of yourself. be good, don't feel like you have be intimate with him-

me: oh, please, MA! CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS?!

mom: (completely ignoring me) you know, nowadays girls don't wait anymore, and you have to be careful-

me: mom, you were pregnant with me a month after you met dad! thats why he had to marry you!

mom: annie! don't throw this in my face i'm your mother and i know what's best!

me: i'm not throwing it your face mom, i'm just saying.

mom: annie, have you had relations with him?

me: MOOOOOOOOOM, i'm not going to discuss this with you!

mom: fine, but i just think it's a good idea if you wait-

me: MA WE ALREADY DID IT!

mom: (starts saying the spanish names of every known catholic saint) aye, santisima-trinidad-virgensita-de-los-angeles-madresita-etc...

me: mom, stop it. i'm fine. don't worry i'm being careful.

mom: do you want to talk to your father?

me: has he been there this whole time??? listening to everything you're saying???

mom: no, i'll go get him.

dad: hi honey, i hear you have a new boyfriend.

me: oh-my-GOD!!!

dad: look sweetie, i just want you to be careful. you know? i don't know how to say this but just, you know, don't be...easy.

me: (shocked that my dad just told me i was EASY!!!) thanks dad.

dad: you know, men only want one thing and you have to be careful. and if you are easy then they don't respect you.

me: thanks dad.

dad: i'm serious honey. if you're easy then they think "she was loose with me, she's probably going to do that with another man too"

me: (thinking to myself 'oh, now i'm loose') i know, daddy.

dad: you know, annie. you should go to the library and check out books.

me: books, dad? what for?

dad: books on men and relationships, so you can learn what they are like.

-at this point i started laughing quietly. my father is telling me not to be "easy" or "loose", and to go to the library to research the male species.

me: maybe i will (still trying not to laugh)

dad: i know it sounds funny, annie. but you have to know. you have to...KNOW THE ENEMY!

me: what???

dad: i'm serious honey. KNOW. THE. ENEMY.

me: (at this point i couldn't stop laughing, and i can even hear my mom laughing in the background) okay dad, i'll go to the library so that i can KNOW THE ENEMY!

dad: i'm just an old man trying to help out his little girl. is that okay?

me: yes dad, thanks. i love you.

dad: i love you too. your mother is still laughing at me.

me: ignore her daddy. can i say bye to her too?

dad: sure, i love you.

those are my parents. i miss them.

afterwards my little sister (who's 16) got on the phone. all she said was

KNOW

THE

ENEMY.

(click).

i can't believe i'm related to these people. they're so weird.

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