July 19, 2002 - 11:23 am
alright since i wrote about what i would be like if i were on david letterman last night, i've decided to write about what i would be like if i were on the jerry springer show.
my outfit: payless sandals, black jeans and a purple t-shirt with a picture of timberwolves howling at the moon.
hair: crimped all over, bangs would be teased and then feathered.
make up: hot pink lipstick (preferably wet-n-wild), rouge (note: rouge, not blush), and black eyeliner that goes all around my eyes.
me: well, jerry (because they always start off by saying "well, jerry") i know that my little sister has been sleeping with my huuubband of two years. and i have 4 kids and two of em are his and i don't think that's good of him, you know?
Jerry: i agree. but let's talk to your little sister as well.
little sis: (walks out wearing black hot pants and a sparkly tube top with stiletto boots. stands in the middle of the stage with her back to the audience and puts her hands on her hips and jiggles her butt like one of those rap girls, then turns to me) UH-UH! UH-HUH! NO SHE DIDN'T! HE CAME TO ME BITCH! HE CAME TO ME! (runs towards me)
me: (tries to smack sister but is held back by steve. he lifts me up by my armpits and i start flailing and kicking and screaming) YOU beeeeeeeep, beeep, beeep, BECAUSE YOU A BEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEP BEEP AND HE'S A BEEEEEEEEEP.
little sister: (goes up to jerry and starts freaking him)
audience: SIT DOWN HO! SIT DOWN HO! SIT DOWN HO!
jerry: let's meet him! (audience cheers)
my cheating huuuuubband: (comes out wearing tapered khaki's with pleats in 'em, a black tank top that shows off his tattoo of a hawk, and teva's with socks underneath, his long stringy black hair is pulled back into a ponytail)
jerry: HIM? you two are fighting over HIM?
me: jerry, i luuuuuuuuuuurvve him. (turns to huuuubband) HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU BEEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEEP WITH MY SISTER THAT BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP?????
little sister: (turns her back to the audience and starts doing her rap girl butt jiggle again. men start hooting. sister turns around and looks at them) yeah, you liiiiiiiiike it. you liiiiiiiiike it.
jerry: okay well we haven't gotten a chance to hear the husband talk. what do you have to say to these two?
my huuuubband: well, she (points to me)don't treat me right, she don't appreciate me. she don't care when i stand in line all day securin' the rent vouchers. and SHE (points to my little sister) aw, hell well she's only 16, she don't know how to treat a man yet. she's just a little whore.
little sister: UH UH! NO HE DIDN'T! I AIN'T NO WHORE! THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT!
me: (jaw drops, but before i can say anything)
my huuuuuubband: 'sides i got me some new friends now
jerry: (raising eyebrows) friendS, huh? more than one? lets bring these "friends" out, shall we.
out walks a female midget with a goat.
audience starts screaming and laughing!
me: (runs after my huuuubband and starts whalin' on him) you made me believe that you loved me (sorry, i couldn't resist putting in a moulin rouge quote.) how could you do this? a GOAT? YOU LIKE TO BEEEP BEEEP ANIMALS? IS THAT WHY YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME TO WEAR THOSE FURRY PANTIES WHEN YOU WERE DOING ME FROM BEHIND????
my huuuubband: that's right. but i had enuff of you! you don't treat me right!
little sister: (pretending to hump the goat while audience men continue hooting) yeah? you like this! i bet the goat does too! doncha little goat? doncha?
little goat: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maaaa
midget girl: GET OFF MY GOAT, SKANK!!! GET OFF MY GOAT!!!
me: let me get this straight, you want to BEEP BEEP BEEP a goat cuz i don't treat you right??? and the goat does???
midget girl: shut up! IIII treat him right! i know how to treat a man! not like you!!! you just got you some furry panties! i got him a real mammal!!
me: i AM a mammmal!!!
my huuuubband: no you ain't! you ain't hairy!
jerry: and now it's time for our final thought. i feel like such a loser for having such a horrible show that only really retarded people like annie waits watch. that's it. until next time, take care of yourselves and eachother.
Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park