August 01, 2002 - 8:31 pm


why can't i deal with pictures of myself?

i don't think i have very many pictures that look like me. and of course the ones that i think do look like me are only ones i consider "good" pictures of me.

i've lost you already, haven't i?

to me a "good" picture is one that i think looks like me. i have about 3 of those in the last 20 years.

or maybe i only think they're "good" pictures because they look how i want to look and they really don't resemble me at all. maybe all those other pictures are what i really look like.

in other words, what the fuck do i look like?

seriously, think about it for a second, try to imagine what your face looks like right now. try to imagine what the computer screen sees. i think i can get an idea, but there's a big part of me that doesn't really know what i look like.

and to all those smartasses who are reading this right now and thinking thinking 'annie, we've got these things now, they're called mirrors...' well, shut up.

i don't know what i fucking look like! this bothers me.

i'm also bothered by the fact that i can't sign on to aol right now (although not in the same way, i'm a little less bothered by this).

maybe i'm just still asleep by that nap i took.

i got a phone number down for a cute apartment that is for rent around the corner from my house. i had a dream that i called the number and this absolute wack job answered. her name was nicole or lindsey, no joke, i can't fucking remember.

anyhow, so i call this chick up and basically have to listen to her ramble about anything before she give me any info about the apartment. yeah, only the funny thing was, she was rambling on her answering machine!

her message was about 10 minutes long and it consisted of her saying "hi this is nicole/lindsey. i'm not home right now because i'm...if you're calling about the apartment it's a small one bedroom...i have a cat, he moved in here with me recently. the kitty stays, this is his apartment still so there is a cat included. if you don't mind that then keep listening. okay, i'm walking through the apartment now. i'm in the kitchen. CAN YOU STILL HEAR ME ALL THE WAY IN THE ANSWERING MACHINE??? I'M IN THE KITCHEN, IT'S YELLOW AND CUTE!! okay i'm back. (door knocking in the background) oh! let me get the door. oh! its my landlord. hi landlord! i was just leaving a message about the apartment and giving them a walk through.

she then proceeds to talk to her landlord for a few minutes, while i'm still sitting there listening to this ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS answering machine recording. can you believe her??? i mean i know she was only in my dream, but the nerve to do something like that in someone's dream. anyhow, i sat through the whole message and started to leave a message and you know what?


i'm spent! i give up! goodnight!

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