August 26, 2002 - 9:59 am

this weekend.

hmm, friday: went out on a date with the boyfriend. we went to this sushi place that was really good. i looooooooove agedashi tofu, it's one of my favorite things on earth. the boyfriend spent lots of money on me, he really shouldn't have, but you only live once right? every once in awhile you have to indulge.

take me for example (everything is about MEEE!) i have $3 left in my wallet for this week. am i going to use it wisely? FUCK NO! i'm buying candy! lots of candy! maybe an ice cream cone!

anyhow, so then we went to go see the martin lawrence live movie. i dont know how i feel about stand up comedy on movies. i mean, i went to go see that margaret cho film and parts of it were funny (just like the martin lawrence one) but i don't think i'm that big on stand up comedy. i mean, i don't mind watching it live occasionally, but the movies really don't do it for me as much.


woke up and went to go eat at a restaurant around the corner from my house. boyfriend thought he lost his cell phone. he had me call it while he went to go look for it in his car. then he played a nasty trick on me and answered it pretending to be someone else and telling me i had to go to Los Angeles to get it. and i fell for it. because i'm a genius. it was actually pretty funny, but i punched him a few times.

then i got the hiccups and boyfriend proceeded to hide behind my dresser and scare the shit out of me when i came out of my closet. did it work? depends on what you wanted it to "work" for. did it get rid of my hiccups? nooooo. did it scare me and piss me off? yes. but i pretended i wanted to cuddle with him and got a little frisky and pulled down his boxers and then... SMACK! right on the bare ass, heh heh.

then we made the drive to san francisco (where said boyfriend unit lives) and he went to work while i proceeded to order a delicious pizza for MEE (chicken, garlic, mushrooms and olives). i sat and watched MTV for like 4 hours, while boyfriend was at work. it was heaven. no offense, sweetie.

sunday: woke up super-late, ate more of last night's pizza and then went to this mexican food place with boyfriend so he could pig out. and after that i went to meet the parents.

his dad and step mom, that is.

they were pretty much what i was expecting and everything pretty much went fine. -oh wait, except for the part where i choked on an altoid.

i'm smooth, i know.

see, i didn't exactly choke on it. i mean, i put it in my mouth and then was sucking on it and i swallowed some juice (it was a tangerine sour altoid) and it kinda went down the wrong pipe.

i was trying to play it off and hoping no one would notice. but then my eyes started watering and my nose started turning red. the boyfriend noticed and then dad noticed and asked if he could get me anything, including the fire department.

i'm so good with parents.

i suck.

and choke.

so on to last night. boyfriend and i decided to watch "crossroads". that's right, the britney movie. it was exactly what i was expecting a britney movie would be like. i dont know if we finished watching all of it.

you know, britney is a crappy singer. she sucks.

she's not a horrible actress though.

which leads me to believe that britney and j.lo should get together and go bowling or something. they obviously have something in common. they're not bad dancers, a little better at acting and horrible at singing. alright, so i guess that's 3 things in common. forget bowling, they need to go to an amusement park together.

i really want them to air last years vma's again so i can hear j.lo singing with ja rule again. if you can call that singing. i'm not sure what it was. it almost made my ears bleed i know that. maybe she keeps jumping from guy to guy because they get comfortable with her and finally suggest that maybe she give up her singing career. you know when you reach that point in a relationship when you don't feel like you have to hold back and you just want to be as honest as possible? yeah, well for j. lo it goes a little something like this:

p. diddy: yo, girl, i been doin' some thinkin' you know. there's somethin' i been wantin' to talk to you 'bout, you know. this is somethin' real and i want you to know that i ain't tryin' to tell you what to do but you know, i feel like this is kinda my fault in a way. and i should be able to put a stop to it, cuz i kinda started it. see, girl, i asked you to be in my video and i asked you to dance in it, cuz, you know, i thought it was time you showed the world your skillz. but see, i didn't know that dancin' and bein' in my video would bring you closer to wantin' to sing yourself, but i think that's kinda what set it off see... tha L-O: uh-uh. what are you talking about puffy, i mean p, or um...diddy. yeah diddy. or maybe uhhhh, sean, we'll just go with sean, yeah. are you trying to tell me you want to buy me a new car?

p.diddy: naw girl, i just be thinkin' you might want to stop singin' now. i mean, you already got a taste of it, you know. and you know, all those computers to fix your voice, that ain't cheap, you know.

j. to tha L-O: it's over.

p.diddy: aww girl. whatchu talkin bout? aintchu gonna ride wit me no more?

next scene, six months later.

chris judd: you know baby, you're a really good actress. i dont know if people are aware at how talented you are.

j. lo: man, chris! that's what i'm talking about. see baby, you understand me that's why i married you.

chris: yeah, i mean and you're a great dancer too. you know, if you didn't dance we would have never met.

j.lo: i know that, honey. you're so sweet. hey, you're a pretty good dancer yourself.

chris: really good dancer...uh...yeah.

j.lo: is something wrong, sweetie?

chris: well, i was just thinking. i mean, we're married right? we can tell each other anything, right? because no matter what, you know how much i love you.

j.lo: we can tell each other anything, baby. i know you wouldn't hurt me. you know why? because you're ugly and a nobody and i'm j.lo and i know you would never jeopardize your relationship with me. oooh, i used a big word honey!

chris: yay! well, baby, we're married. we're past all that made-up, media image stuff, right?

j.lo: what's made up about me being the diva of the world? that's true isn't it baby?

chris: well, yeah. i mean like i said you're a good dancer and a great actress baby. but i don't know...i was just know when you sing me to sleep at night sometimes and how i snuggle real close between your body and your arm.

j.lo: yes, baby you're so cuddly.

chris: well, i really do it to block the sound of your voice. i just felt like i should tell you this. you know, it's like when you have a booger in your nose and everyone is laughing at you but no one has the guts to tell you because they're not your real friends and finally someone comes along and lets you know and you thank them for being honest. it's like that.

j.lo: i'm leaving you.

okay, now the next scenario probably hasn't happened yet, but i see it going something like this.

ben affleck: (to himself) hmm, if i buy her a car, that will make her want to drive it around with her hair in the wind, looking at herself in the rearview mirror instead of hanging out in a recording studio...

j.lo: did you say something honey?

ben affleck: uh, no. not really.

j.lo: i didn't think so. i mean, who cares anyway! ha ha!

ben affleck: yeah. you wanna have sex?

j.lo: okay.

2 pumps later...

ben: that was nice.

j.lo: you're so lucky to have me and my ass.

ben: uh, yeah. so look i was thinking, you know how you were going to go into the recording studio tomorrow to start on your new album.

j.lo: yes, i'm so excited. i know everybody can't wait!

ben: uh, yeah. well i was thinking we could go to uh, trinidad.

j.lo: do they have a recording studio there?

ben: uh, no. but the album can wait. i mean your fans will wait forever for you honey, just like me.

j.lo: well, you do have a point. besides, i can always do with a little more practicing in the shower.

ben: what??? uh, no! how about...hmmm, how about no more showers!

j.lo: what?

ben: yeah, i mean. i look good with that rugged look. i'm sure you would too. you look good any way honey.

j.lo: well, you do have a point.

ben: besides they don't have showers in trinidad.


ben: okay, you can have all that if...

j.lo: if? if what?

ben: well, i was thinking maybe you could stop singing for awhile, you know take a sebatical...

j.lo: sebatical? is that like one of those machines that fixes my voice?

ben: no honey, it's like a "break".

j.lo: stop singing? i'll give you a break....uh a ..., BREAK UP! yeah, so there. ha, that was so clever.

blows kiss at herself in mirror and walks out of the room.

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (annie stands up and takes bows) thank you very much.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park

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