August 29, 2002 - 10:12 am

i have to pee.

i've had 2 and a half glasses of orange juice and i'm on my fourth glass of cranberry juice. it's only 10:12.

i'm not going to go to the bathroom. you know why? because it doesn't matter if i go relieve myself. i'll still feel like i have to go.

that's right. i have a bladder infection.

i hate these.

i woke up at 6:45 (like i usually do) and went pee (like i usually do) and experienced a very painful burning (like i usually don't). i pretended it was nothing and went back to bed.

after lying in bed for five minutes i realized that the "i have to pee" sensation hadn't left me.

'fuck' (that's pretty much what i said in bed)

i went to the bathroom and tried to pee. maybe 2 drops came out.

yeah, you KNOW what i'm talking about if you've ever had a bladder infection.

so that's why i've been "pounding fluids" as the kaiser advice nurse told me to do.

so that's pretty bad, right?

it gets worse.

i can't call in sick to work because the other secretary is on vacation. i'm pretty much fucked in the goat ass.

yes, i have a goat ass. shut up.

i'm JOKING, PEOPLE. JOKING.

ANYhow, i get to work and walk to the pharmacy. the worst most painful walk of my life pretty much. after finding what i need i go to stand in line.

one checkstand open.

6 people in front of me.

at a fucking pharmacy, at 8 fucking 30 in the fucking morning!

i always worry that people are going to be able to figure out what my plans are for the day by looking in my basket.

for example, if i have condoms, lube and binaca, i'm obviously going to be punching the bunny later on. IF you know what i mean, and i think you do.

well today i had uristat and four 16 oz bottles of ocean spray cranberry juice cocktail. yeah, this is not pre-date pharmacy shopping.

this is "i have e. coli" shopping. pretty fucking obvious.

but the cash register lady was too dumb to realize it. seriously. you know those people you meet and in the first 30 seconds of being around them you just know they're idiots? she was one.

so then, i'm walking back to work and i see this dude walking towards me wearing baggy jean shorts and a wife beater. he's got a shaved head, tan skin and lots of tattoos.

ho's might think he was hot. i thought he looked like a dumbass. it was chilly this morning!

as i walk by he stares me down and says "helll-llllo".

i pretended not to hear him.

in my mind i saw myself swinging my rite aid bag full of cranberry juice and uristat at the back of his head with all my strenghth.

"I HAVE A FUCKING BLADDER INFECTION, YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING BASTARD! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

but i kept my cool and just walked on.

then i'm standing at a corner getting ready to cross the street and i see this veteran in one of those little electric scooter things that old people like to do their grocery shopping and shit in.

i notice his american flag and as he drives his little motor scooter by me he goes "nice pants, baby".

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!! COME ON NOW! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT I'M NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD, GRANDPA! I. HAVE. A. BLADDER. INFECTION, FUCKNUTS!

i never get hit on by men like this, i swear. i must be emitting some sort of e.coli phermone or some shit.

oh, the pain. alright, i have to go pee.

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