August 30, 2002 - 2:33 pm

okay so i found this really cool looking apartment and it's one bedroom and super cheap. i want it.

but the fucking lady who's name is gretchen is being absolutely bitchtastic and won't call me back.

i just have some questions you know.

i also found another very cheap apartment but i looked at the wrong building yesterday when i drove by. the building i saw was a very pretty huge blue and white house.

turns out the apartment is really in a building down the block. i would live above a dominoes pizza.

perks?

pizza smell

down side?

pizza smell

and it really doesn't look that nice on the outside...

you know what? i'm tired of this subject.

NEXT!

so i'm in the office next door and i see an ambiguously gay former co worker.

now normally i wouldn't care to tell you about this, except for the fact that i was the only person who thought he was gay.

all the girls that i work with were like:

"he's just really polite"

to which i responded:

"gay!"

now one time i asked him how he was doing and do you know what he said?

he said (and i quote) "i'm just chipper, thanks for asking"

*stares at readers expectantly*

now, show me one straight male who will say "chipper, thanks for asking" and i'll consider that he might like girls.

i needed advice. i needed an expert.

please be aware that this is in no way me wanting to find out because i'm uncomfortable or because i think it's weird. my motivation is simply wanting to prove that i'm right. because i'm an egomaniac.

see, i didn't know roger was gay until he told me.

1. roger had never had a crush on a girl that he told me about.

2. roger listens to michael ball.

3. roger was in choir.

4. roger tap dances.

5. roger has seen every musical known to man.

6. roger's audition song was "suddenly seymour" from little shop of horrors which a girl character sang in the play.

7. if roger is driving and you throw trash out the window, roger will make you get out of his car and pick up trash. he also yells at us when we don't recycle.

8. roger thinks the band "hanson" is adorable.

and i didn't know he was gay.

i mean, it had crossed my mind but i told myself that i really shouldn't stereotype and assume that someone is gay for the above reasons.

see, i don't like stereotyping. at least not seriously. i mean every once in awhile i tell him to "go pick some flowers, gary!" but he just retorts for me to "go pick some fruit in the field, guadalupe" but neither of us really means it.

well, have any of you guys ever met a man who fits the same characteristics as roger listed above who is straight? if you have then i'll shut my big fat mouth.

so, where was i? oh yes, expert advice...

one day, i called roger in. this is how the conversation went.

annie: okay, i'm going to walk near his cubicle and i want you to scope him out and tell me what you're initial reaction is, ready?

roger: ready. lets go.

annie walks over to ambiguously gay guy's cubicle.

annie: hey jacob!

jacob: hey annie! how are you doing today?

annie: i'm well, thanks. well, i just wanted to say hello. bye!

jacob: bye!

leaves scene.

annie: what do you think?

roger: i couldn't see him.

annie: WHAT? i set that up perfectly.

roger: yeah, except your big head was in the way.

okay, people, for the record i do NOT have a big head.

so anyway, then we end up running into jacob at subway and he eats with us, afterwards.

annie: okay, now what do you think?

roger: i don't know, it's hard to tell with him. but if he is, give him my number!

annie: oh for the love of pete! aren't you guys supposed to have signs and stuff?

roger: (laughs at what a stereotypical moron i'm being) yeah, actually by that conversation i could tell that he really wants you to give him my number.

annie: oh please.

all the girls thought he was sooooo cute and i was like "ladies, lost cause, the man's a fruitcake".

see, the thing is i thought he was hot when i first saw him. and then i talked to him and realized.

so when everyone would come up to me and say "don't you think jacob is hot? i'm thinking of asking him out". i would respond "he's definitely hot, HOT IN THE PANTS, SISTER!". apparently he even told someone that "people always think he's gay, but he's not." so i'm thinking, okay well maybe he doesn't know it yet.

here are a few things about him.

1. extremely clean cut and has a very handsome face, yet he's 30 years old and doesn't even have a girlfriend. guys like this don't stay single for long.

2. incredibly polite and always happy. now i don't mean to be stereotypical again, but i've never met a straight man this polite people. we're talking "please" "thank you's" and "may i's" all around here.

3. the people that know him a little better at work say that he's never been in a long term relationship.

4. he loves cher.

the clues are all there folks. when we had lunch a couple months ago, we asked him questions. if he had food in his mouth he would raise his hand to his mouth in a really dainty manner, like a girl and answer us.

i'm right. i know i'm right.

am i?

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