September 11, 2002 - 10:24 am

there is so much that i need to say and i don't know where to begin.

last year around this time everyone was putting up their free american flags in this office, before going home to be with their families for the rest of the day.

i refused to display a flag.

well, that must mean i'm a terrorist, right?

apparently, everyone here thought so.

so this year, when everyone decides to go to a rally, guess who doesn't get invited? guess who gets left behind?

me, the resident office terrorist.

or worse, the communist.

it's okay, i'm not too hurt. let me mourn in peace. alone.

last june i went to a september 11th photo exhibit and cried.

i cried can you believe it? almost a year later and there i was, in public -in plain view of everyone- bawling like a little girl over pictures.

about a month ago, i decided i was finally over it. 'i think i'm done' i said to myself 'i think my mourning period is over'.

i was wrong.

it started yesterday. i teared up 4 different times.

today is worse. i turned on the tv and after about 1 minute of hearing the names of the deceased called out at the ceremony at ground zero it started again. but this time it was worse.

i went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. 'what's wrong with you? when will you get over it? it was a year ago. it's not like you knew anyone personally.'

yes, i did. when you watch someone die, it becomes much more personal.

when you watch people hold hands and jump from a building, it becomes personal.

when you see another person also jump and flail in mid air and then watch their entire body go limp from the cardiac arrest they just had in mid air, it becomes personal.

so why did i scold myself in the bathroom this morning?

detach. detach. detach.

that's it! that's why i was angry at myself. i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. detach, don't feel, of course. that's what we need to do. sure, it's okay to tear up a little on the one year anniversary, but for gods sakes, get your ass to work. there's money to be made.

but i don't care about money. what is money?

am i stupid for feeling this way?

i care about the fact that my boyfriend called me this morning to say 'i love you' and when i asked him how he was doing his response was "i'm fucked up".

i care about the fact that i could be that person who set the breakfast table for an extra person this morning and remembered how last year i thought nothing of it.

i'm not doing the american thing. i'm not separating myself from the people who lost their lives last year. i'm not functioning normally today. i'm not doing what the president told me to. i'm not travelling, i'm not putting up my flag, i'm not blocking it out of my mind and attempting to carry on as if nothing happened.

these were my brothers and sisters. so don't you fucking ever tell me that i'm un-american, just because i won't wave your fucking flag around.

it's been a year and what have we accomplished? no, really. what have we accomplished?

we've completely brought down the Taliban?

we've captured Bin Laden?

al Qaeda is no longer a threat to anyone in the world?

the people in afghanistan are living peacefully?

we've prevented something like september 11th from ever happening again?

maybe you're not getting me. since september 11 last year, what have we done?

now ask yourself that question again, this time realizing all the hurt we've caused around the globe. oh my god, what have we done?

we've set up one more western friendly puppet government. we can now add afghanistan to the list.

chile, check.

guatemala, check.

nicaragua, check.

rwanda, check.

kuwait, check.

afghanistan, check.

the list goes on, shall i continue?

but let me ask something, how does a puppet government exist under another puppet government?

*gasp* no, annie, are you suggesting that maybe impossible. you're out of your mind.

maybe i am. but you're the one reading.

i'm mourning today for 2,801 people.

and i'm mourning for 3,000-3,400 people who died in afghanistan between October and March as "casualties of war".

because, you know, life in afghanistan isn't hard enough as it is.

there is nothing casual about a casualty, there is nothing friendly about friendly fire.

lets stop using these words that diminish the actual event. these people are dead, how do you think anyone would like to be referred to as a 'casualty' when they die? please give them a little more credit than that.

death. we killed them, we're killing people. all the time, everyday.

try putting a face to each number, now put a family to each face. now put a lifetime to that face, put a childhood, put smiles, put happiness and sadness, put love.

now that you've reinvented the life of this "casualty" in your head, kill them, blow they're head off, break they're legs, hang them.

and you know, while i'm at it, while i'm mourning, i should probably mourn for the unborn children all around the world that will die because fucking governments can't come to terms and in reality don't give a shit about the people.

that's right, i don't think our president gives a shit about us.

oh, excuse me. did i just say 'president', i forgot, he's not really our president. or has everyone forgotten that too?

here's what i know, an american gun is no prettier than an afghan gun. in fact, they're probably the same model, made in the same factory.

9/11 should have spoken to us. this was supposed to be a wake up call, people. this was supposed to help us realize something, something needed to change.

well, we increased our military spending by billions of dollars, so i guess something did.

but that okay right? that's what we're supposed to do "an eye for an eye" says the bible, said christ.

if you hurt me because i hurt you, i'll hurt you back.

and 20 years from now, my son will want to avenge that. and your son will too.

and it keeps going. forever, until someone bends.

if you're going to fucking throw the bible in my face i want you to 1. remember the context when christ said "an eye for an eye" and 2. realize that this is a metaphor. whereas, there is nothing metaphorical about "thou shalt not kill".

no one is going to bend. and why should america bend? We're number ONE!

so what.

when i'm on my deathbed, i dont think i'll be thinking 'i'm number one', i think i'll be thinking about those who i love.

it's not about hate, it's about love.

that girl, that girl in afghanistan who has not had a complete meal in her life, she's number one. not me.

i have it easy. who gives a fuck about me? i sure don't.

i would give my life in a heartbeat, in the most gruesome death i could imagine, if i knew that it would save others. if i knew that it would change things. and it doesn't matter where those others are from.

i would die for south africans, i would do it for iranians, i would do it for saudis, i would do it for palestinians and israelis.

i would do it, i would give up my white bread life. would you?

if you're answer is no, then you are un-american to me.

i'm sad, i'm not going to get over this. i'm going to remember it for as long as i live.

evertime i feel judged because of the color of my skin, everytime someone calls me a name, everytime someone cuts me off on the freeway, i'm going to remember that violence is everywhere. it won't stop. that's just the way it is.

i believe that humans are intrinsically dumb, but i don't believe that they are intrinsically bad. we're born good, we all are, i believe.

i want peace. i want people to smile at eachother, we're all the same. who the fuck came up with "peace" anyhow? who's idea was it to throw a concept like that in my face and then have all the forces in the world tell me it's impossible.

i feel cheated.

just because it's impossible though, just because it can't happen does not mean i will ever stop believing it should happen. peace should happen. it should.

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