March 05, 2003 - 2:07 pm
Friday is my Birthday! Friday is my Birthday!
Guess what?-guess what?-guess what?
Eli is getting me a care bear!!!
Yeah! 24 Baby!! woohoo
speaking of baby's i want to have one.
no i'm serious.
oh i know what you're thinking!
babies shouldn't be having babies.
well, you know what i say to that?
poo on you!
just because i'm semi-young, free-spirited and in touch with my inner child does not mean that i'm not ready for the challenge of motherhood. in fact, anyone who knows me really well, knows that i'm a pretty nurturing person and i love to take care of other people.
oh what? that's not a good enough reason to bring a child in this world?
gimme a break, none of you know what you're talking about.
in order to teach my child to be a survivor i've come up with several innovative methods of instilling the importance of competition.
first, i'm going to ask natalie to get pregnant and plan it so that we have our children at about the same time. then when our babies are about a year old we're going to lock them both in a room. but, here's the kicker, WITH ONE TOY!
THEN our babies are going to have to duke it out and see who comes out victorious. three words: BRI-LLI-ANT!
now, i've clearly analyzed this future endeavor and here are the obstacles that little pepito will have to face against little mortemer (natalie's baby).
obstacle #1: although natalie is shorter than i am, her boyfriend, dude is significantly taller than my wee eli. yeah, try a whole foot taller. those are some good genes he's got but here's why i think we'll win despite this:
see my wee eli, he's got a temper. a nice big red one (that sounds dirty); he likes to kick stuff in anger and ball up his fists and stuff. i'm hoping that the "stuff" that little Pepito likes to kick will be oh-say, LITTLE MORTEMER?
now, he's also a carpenter, ie. expert tool user (heh heh, i said "expert tool user"). so, given this information, would it be far-fetched to guess that little pepito might mistake said toy for a hammer and whack little mortemer over the head with it?
i think not.
obstacle #2: natalie is in the air force, she's undoubtedly in much better shape than i am and she likes to fly planes and shoot guns.
oh annie, however are you going to overcome this challenge
simple my little rhubarb, simple.
Here's where my temper comes in. see i'm 1/8 mayan and contrary to popular belief the mayans were not a peaceful people. in fact, they inflicted some of the most brutal forms of torture for sacrifices, including the ever popular thorn-studded-rope-that-was-shoved-into-the-urethra-of-a-man's-penis-and-then pulled-out.
anyhow, i doubt little pepito will find himself in need of practicing some ritualistic bloodletting (who knows? it might be a good way to intimidate his enemy?) so lets get back to my scenario.
another advantage that pepito has is the tendency to throw things at walls and people in moments of intense anger, inherited from yours truly. ;)
sidebar: this is a true story. in the first week of knowing eli i threw my stereo remote control at his head because he pissed me off so bad. first week, people! i fucking rock.
now i don't think i'd be out-of-line to speculate that little pepito, in a moment of indescriminate wrath would incorporate his mothers projectile practices to defend what is rightfully his.
plus, this whole my-parents-are-in-the-military thing might prove to be a big disadvantage to little mortemer. why?
come on, people! must i explain, really?.
well, first of all, unless natalie barks his orders to go into the room get the toy and come out, he probably won't even know what his mission is!
imagine! a 1 year old having to be told everything by way of screaming in his face and teaching him to never question authority!
see now that's just bad parenting.
in fact, now that i think about it, i'm not going to have a kid yet.
well, it's obvious from the above scenario that i couldn't possibly ask natalie to have a child right now, she's unfit to be a parent, plain and simple.
but my kid would still win.
Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park