October 17, 2003 - 11:22 am

i wake up this morning and my hair feels super soft because of all the gunk i put in it yesterday. i decide that since it's not all greasy i can sleep in and skip a shower.

i regret it as soon as i get to work and take my hoodie off. i stink. i smell like that B.O. that is reminiscent of old french onion soup.

i stink bad.

but it's only one of my armpits, its lefty who's causing all the odor.

that's really weird. see, i'm sure my dear readers have already come to realize how anal i am and this is best exemplified by my deodorant using tactics: three strokes down and then two strokes up under each armpit. they get the exact same amount.

so why does one of my pits stink and not the other? did i just not air out my left armpit enough? was it covered by blankets and sweat all night? i tend to sleep on my left and right side so there really isn't any reason why one armpit should smell and the other one not.

i was totally troubled. i sat at my desk and wondered about this for literally like 20 minutes. finally i turn to the executive asst.

annie: valerie, can you smell me?

valerie: (scoots chair over and sniffs me on each side) no, i don't think so.

annie: you're not just saying that though, right? i mean if i'm not embarrassed to ask you if i stink, you shouldn't be embarrassed to tell me the truth about it.

valerie: (sniffs again) no, i really don't think you stink. if you do, i definitely can't smell it. why, do YOU think you stink?

annie: i know i do. but it's only one armpit. the left one.

valerie: maybe you have an over active sweat gland?

annie: no, i dont think thats it. besides, now that i think about it, i dont think that it's the sweat that actually stinks.

valerie: well, i don't know about all that. i'm no stink expert.

annie: hm. i am. i've always been a stinky girl. when we have hot summers i usually end up putting deodorant on like 3 or 4 times a day.

valerie: really?

annie: yes.

so after i had disclosed my odor problem i turned around to my desk once again.

annie: jesus christ! what the fuck is that smell! i totally stink!!! what is wrong with me?

valerie walks over to where i am.

valerie: oh my god! you're right! but wait, i dont think its you.

so the assistant and i start to sniff everything that's to the left of me. after about 3 minutes i hear,

valerie: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

annie: what? what is it?

valerie: someone threw a salad away in the trash can, there's onions in it. this is it.

i lean over and sniff the trash can and sure enough, its definitely where the smell was coming from.

i was so relieved.

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Eli and i started watching miller's crossing again last night. i think the more i see it the more i start to appreciate it in the same way he does. here are some of my favorite lines:

Verna: I like him, he's honest and he's got a heart.

Tom: Then its true what they say. Opposites attract.

Verna: Do me a favor and mind your own business.

Tom: This is my business. Intimidating helpless women is part of what I do.

Verna: Then find one and intimidate her.

woohooo! that verna she is one hip-hip lady! next time i get in a fight with eli, i'm going to say "i suppose you think you've raised hell?" and then he better respond "sister, when i've raised hell, you'll know it." that would be so awesome!

this boyfriend of mine, he gets to me. i end up liking everything he likes almost as much as him.

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yesterday i found out from my old boss that she is being asked (begged) by arnold to join his administration team. he'll take office in 4 weeks, november 15 or something like that.

we started gossiping about all the politicos and we ended up chatting about the gargantuan teeth of the kennedy family. if you saw arnolds victory speech then you know what i'm talking about. those people are all fucking teeth! they're huge, chiclets practically, almost!

when i start writing about people's teeth, i think i've ran out of material.

you know what sucks? my writing, eli and i talk about this constantly. you really do get out practice and then you end up writing shit.

it was so much easier to write when my life was boring and miserable. now that i'm happy i have nothing to say. well, i guess i should say thank you to Jesus.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park