December 07, 2003 - 10:44 am

This weekend i took the CBEST. The test required if you're applying for an emergency teaching credential in California (and i believe Oregon as well). Don't worry it was super easy, i'll let you know my scores in a couple months.

This weekend i also happen to be at a reunion with lots of people from my checkered past.

my checkered past involved being drug free.

given my last entry you can obviously figure out that i've straightened myself out since then.

see, i was part of this drug prevention program from like age 9 until 20. Wow, 11 years.

it had been awhile since so many of us saw each other that a friend of mine decided a reunion was long overdue.

it seems odd being here. i feel like i don't know anyone anymore and like they don't know me at all.

since this is turning into a "real" entry lets start it off the correct way, shall we?

Dear Diary,

I remember a time in my life when i believed that i could make a difference. i believed that this program that i was involved in could help anyone. all my friends and i loved eachother so much and so genuinely that i thought there was no way someone could enter this circle and not feel as loved.

all these friends still live in this fantasy world. i'm in reality now.

this program could never NEVER touch the students i work with. the joy i gained from learning how to trust by falling backwards onto a pile of hands that wouldn't let me crack my head open would not work with my kids.

they could sit there and list off hundreds of reason why they shouldn't trust people and they would be absolutely right to feel that way.

there is no way anyone at this reunion could reach most of my kids. no way.

it's sad because i start to realize how exclusive this program was. it was really designed for a certain type of child. we weren't making the world that much better of a place by reaching out to low risk kids.

sometimes i wonder if i myself am working with the right group. i think about how much easier it would be to work with students in san ramon or redding and wonder if i need to transition myself out of the public schools in the hoods.

truthfully, i couldn't reach out to those kids though. despite my perfect little childhood, i understand my kids. i feel for them and yes, i'll admit it, i feel sorry for them.

i don't feel sorry for the other kids. i know i should, but i don't. i mean, i'm CERTAIN that they have problems too. but ultimately, their lives will be easier and i'll be honest with you, it's probably a racial thing.

i can't relate to the people that i once loved so much. they can't relate to me and they don't want to hear what i have to say. i wouldn't either though, the pill i offer is not easy to swallow.

i miss feeling like i'm making a difference. eli always tells me i am, but the process is so slow and painful that i don't know if i have the strength to lead the way i once did so effortlessly. i'm sure it doesn't help that i'm a results driven person.

on a lighter note, i'm learning how to knit. i'm excited about this and wish i had learned sooner so i can make nice stuff for all my friends. maybe next year...

i've met my ex-boyfriends girlfriend who seems very nice but i haven't had the chance to talk to. i know it will work out though, she reminds me of his mother in so many subtle ways. i think they're perfect together and i hope they have a life together like the one his parents have. that would be a good one, i'm sure.

we're supposed to have brunch today. it's almost 11:00 and no one is here. i'm starting to wonder if this is some kind of joke?...hm

i miss eli. i miss my wee he-man. his apple cheeks and his sparkly eyes.

i miss emaline, my kitty. i feel like such a bad mommy, i haven't spent enough time with her. i wouldn't be surprised if she leaves a nice little pile of poo for me in my front hallway.

i miss my mom. i hate that she's hurting right now. i wish my parents hadn't split up this year.

i miss years ago when i remember being truly happy last. when i was alone and the world was new and i could do anything i wanted anytime with whatever.

i wonder if everyone hits a point where they wake up and become like me. i'm not depressed, i've just let everything sink in and it's taken its toll on me.

i want to go to dance practice. i'm excited of the prospect of making lots of new friends who look like me. i'm excited about maricela, ines and adrian and all the shows we have ahead of us.

i can't dance Tabasco to save my life right now, but when i can it will be very good and i know it isn't that far off.

i haven't lost my hope. i think.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park