February 23, 2004 - 7:55 pm

i've been spending lots of time with my cat lately and i don't mean that in a sexual way at all. not my "cat" my actual cat, i mean.

anyhow, we've settled into what i like to believe is a reliable pattern that demonstrates our compatibility and mutual love.

every morning:

1. she wakes me up by meowing her little vocal cords raw once my alarm goes off, so cute! (there is no snoozing in my apartment)

2. once she senses i'm awake she jumps on my bed and proceeds to sniff every square centimeter of my face until her horrible breath makes me open my eyes. usually she is millimeters away from my eyes when i open them. i know, i know awww!

3. We cuddle and play for 5-10 minutes.

4. i get up and go to the bathroom, she watches.

5. i turn on the water to take a shower, she books it like a bat out of hell.

6. i open the bathroom door once i'm out of the shower and she is sitting there waiting for me.

7. she walks in and licks my bathtub dry (why do cat's do this?)

8. she watches me put my clothes on. she might be a lesbian.

and actually i have to include a little sidebar here. see, we've become so close that i actually ask her if what i'm wearing looks okay. so far she's cool with my sense of style, most of the time. i'm sure that for the most part, my cat approves of my clothes, EXCEPT LEOPARD PRINTS! i know, it's sooooo weird, but when i put on my leopard print underwear she has a fucking fit! i've come to the conclusion that my cat hates me in leopard prints because i'm not worthy to wear the pattern of her ancestors.

9. she sits on the toilet as i brush my teeth. apparently this is a little more interesting to her than everything else i do because she normally sits on the floor. but not for teeth brushing, oh no. for that she actually needs to elevate herself and crook her neck.

10. then i feed her. she eats some. at this point i always contemplate changing her food because it makes her breath smell like ass but she always looks so happy eating, i just can't.

when i leave she's usually forgotten about me. i'm happy she's become so self-sufficient, she used to cry so much when she was a kitten.

as i walk down the stairs of my building i think to myself, "i'm way too close with that damn animal" and i always feel a little embarrassed.

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i spent this sunday with my old friend from college who i hadn't seen in years. we went to berkeley for thai food at the thai temple but unfortunately we got there too late so we went to Barney's for burgers instead.

i proceeded to spit on him during the entire time we were having lunch. i don't know what was wrong with me, i just could not control my spit when i was talking. at one point i thought about shutting up, but that's just flat out impossible.

he was very gracious about my spitting problem though, i kept apologizing, but the spit just kept on coming and not just on the table but it was landing in my water, in his water, in his face, all over the place really.

i was embarrassed.

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in an attempt to convince people that i'm nice, i baked cookies for my knitting circle yesterday. most of them were really good but for some reason a couple of them tasted like i had dipped them in gasoline.

weird, huh?

has that ever happened to anyone else? i think there must have been some gas flare up while they were baking and that's what caused it.

i wish could have eaten the first gassy cookie that way i could have told everyone to stop eating and then i could have been all dramatic and been like "we're out of milk" like that freaky little boy in the milk commercial. unfortunately my friend tried the first gassy one and didn't want to say anything so she pulled me into the kitchen and told me about it.

when we came back out into the living room, two other girls had just spit their cookies out.

once again, embarassed.

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my 25th birthday is in less than two weeks. i called my friend jeremy up because i'm doing this evite thing and i needed some email addresses from him.

he kindly gave them to me and i sent the evite out except because i'm the fucking biggest moron in the world i wrote jeremy's email address wrong.

so he call's me up and he's al like:

"i know you didn't just call me up last week and ask me for email addresses to invite my two best friends to your birthday dinner and then not invite me."

and i was all "bitch, so what if i did?!"

not really, i felt bad and told him i must have misspelled his email address.

no i wasn't embarrased this time. i thought it was funny.

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