May 18, 2004 - 12:02 pm

dear diary,

i'm not proud of the fact that i spent $150 on a club seat ticket to game k, round 3, sharks vs. flames last night. i'm not proud of it, lets just get that out of the way.

and i'm not a puck bunny either. i actually do watch the game and (for the most part) understand it.

but jonathan cheechoo is really something else. it's HIS fault i start acting like a retarded giggling school girl! he MAKES me look like a puck bunny!

so i'm "in love" (fuck that!) with a hockey player, i've never even met. go on, start the jokes. yes, yes, i'm on board the cheechoo train. ha ha! funny!

and it's not just his looks. i mean, he's hot but in all honesty, i've seen better.

it's the fact that he seems so naive. he wants to be a role model and he's christian.

oh god, the guy might even be a virgin.

nahhhh.

so anyhow. i'm really touched by the fact that he cares about being an example for kids, esp. native kids.

is this ridiculous?

yes, i know. it is. something else i'm not proud of.

so last night when he got whacked in the face with a hockey stick i stood up so fast, i knocked my shins on the seat in front of me. that's how ludicrous this is. i was defensive. i'm pathetic. i was defensive because a hockey player got hurt? yeah, i know.

i have bruises now. bruises that i'm ashamed to say i have.

but this fake life is better for me. this fantasy world that i can live in is what i'd rather have than my own reality.

the weekend sucked. i spent almost all day saturday crying for god knows what reason and then finally went to a friends house saturday evening to hang out.

sunday i was okay but still felt a little weird, i knew any little thing would send me over the edge.

and of course, something did.

i ended up in the same place i was in saturday except worse. i called eli, i needed Xanax.

i needed a fucking tranquilizer, something else i'm not proud of.

anesthtetized, that's what i'd like to be.

i would love to have a lobotomy, but i hear they are rarely performed nowadays. what about a brain transplant? there has to be some knowledge-hungry, control-freak, i-wanna-play-God scientist out there who would be willing to attempt this on me.

i could donate myself to science. and not have to put up with anything any more.

i tell you this new york trip could not come at a worse time. i'm so tempted to do nothing but stay at home all day, every day.

but i'm making an effort. i'm going to try to do stuff, get out there, have fun.

maybe i can have some sort of awakening. i'm hoping so. in the meantime, i'll just go through the motions.

depression is a bitch. a fucking lazy-eyed, toothless, crack-whore, disease ridden bitch.

so i'll just stay in my fantasy world.

it's so odd that the place i'm trying to escape from is the place i most want to go.

my own head.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park