July 08, 2004 - 2:08 am

Black strappy heels, a red satin skirt and a fitted black sweater later, I�m on my way out. Life in San Francisco is good tonight and I look fantastic.

Tonight: Cast party for Movin� Out. The Tony award winning Broadway musical has just arrived in San Francisco and I was lucky enough to get invited. Look at me, I�m sooo glamorous.

However, the purpose of tonight was not just to bask in my city life of neon and sewage, it was also to meet someone, a man.

My good friend, Roger (who all my faithful readers have come to know and love) has this attractive co-worker who I briefly met about a month ago. This co-worker happens to have recently broken up with his girlfriend. I thought this co-worker was pretty hot and I let Roger know this (um, often) so then the wheels (which I would imagine are pink) in Rogers gay little head started turning.

Now, I�m a pretty girl. Most people who meet me think I�m fairly attractive. Despite this, I�m always hesitant to meet people, especially men. To add to this hesitation, I�m also not absolutely sure if I�m ready to be fixed up right now, but when Roger mentioned that his attractive co-worker would be at the party tonight I decided �Why not?�

Truthfully, like all girls, I had already picked the names of mine and attractive co-worker�s 4 children. In the last two weeks, mine and Roger�s relationship has been punctuated by frantic phone calls or emails from a panicky Annie that sounded like the following:

Annie: �Okay, last question, I promise.�

Roger: �Annie, go ahead, really. Don�t worry about it, if you had a hot co-worker, I�d be asking you all sorts of questions.�

Annie: �So you said he used to smoke and that he�s from Northern California. Okay, well, it�s really two questions. 1) Are his teeth yellow? 2) Does he still have all his teeth?�

Roger: �He has great teeth, don�t worry.�

Annie: �Okay�thanks�bye.�

So there you go. I�ve been asking questions and in all honesty, I was trying to find a flaw. I�m too scared to date and I needed one good reason to not be interested in this guy.

No matter how hard I tried, I found nothing. Roger just kept talking about how great he was and what a nice guy he was.

Roger: �You remember that day we had lunch? When you came to my office?�

Annie: �Yes, why?�

Roger: �He says you guys made eye contact. He remembers you!�

Annie: �We did make eye contact! He remembers that? That�s adorable.�

Roger: �He�s really shy though.�

Annie: �Oh, that�s cute too!�

Hello? I�m a chick! I hadn�t even met the guy and I was already having visions of our wedding on the beach in Santa Cruz (where they don�t celebrate 4th of July because they are so anti-establishment, isn�t that wacky? Love it!)

This is me, as embarrassing as it is. I create these ridiculous alternate lifestyles and I even give them titles sometimes. I�ll spare you.

Back to tonight, so we get to the Great American Music Hall. It�s lovely, of course. I keep thinking about how this is the life I dreamed of living when I was a little girl. I hate admitting it � but it�s true. Living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, going to exclusive parties. They�re all part of the things I hate to love, not to mention things I hate to admit.

One cosmopolitan later Roger is begging me to let him introduce us to each other and I was just too scared. I was lucky enough to have his high school friend, Amy on my side so he left me alone before I could stick my heel in his nads.

After the cosmopolitan, came the wine.

Roger: �Come on, let�s just go. It will just be a quick introduction. You have nothing to be afraid of. He remembers you!�

Annie: �No, I�m not ready. I�m scared. He�s got a really nice smile. Okay! Okay! After this drink! I promise!�

I have to lend some foreshadowing here. The introduction was sooooo difficult. The goodbye would be so easy.

Finally, we walk over. Like an idiot, I�m filling my plate with strawberries and shoving as many as I can down my throat in an attempt to look distracted.

We shake hands. First thought � his hands are really�soft. Second thought � he looks older up close. Third thought � his skin is not that great. Fourth thought � his smile is just about the best one I've ever seen in my entire life

I watch him carefully while he is talking to Roger.

oh. my. god.

OHMYGOD!

oh��NO!

He�s gay?

He�s GAY!

Amy is standing there with her mouth open watching the conversation between attractive co-worker and Roger.

I look at her. I had just met her that night but NOTHING builds camaraderie between two women like a situation in which one of them is unknowingly being set up with a gay man.

I lean over to her and whisper in her ear. �Amy, I think he�s on Roger�s team�. She looks at me �I think you might be right�.

We watch as attractive co-worker giggles with Roger, flapping his wrist, smiling his smile and touching Roger every opportunity he gets.

After a bit of chit chat, it�s just Amy, Roger and I.

Annie: �Roger, he�s gay.�

Roger: �What? Noooo.�

Amy: �He�s gay.�

Annie: �Gay, gay, gay, gay gay. Gayer than a Parisian girl on Christmas morn. GAY.�

Roger: �I can�t believe you guys! You guys are crazy. That�s ridiculous! He�s not gay.�

Annie: �Sweetie, he�s INTO you. It�s okay, I�m glad we found this out early before I became attached to him.� (because it�s not like I had picked out our his/hers towels, right? WRONG PEOPLE! I HAD!)

Anyhow, Roger became a little offended at Amy and mine�s homosexual accusations. She and I went to go get drinks.

We come back and what do we see?

Attractive co-worker dancing with another man. Oh! Yeah! No biggie! Not gay at ALL. OH NO!

I watch him and realize that he�s a really good dancer. Straight men can�t move like that. He�s gay.

Here I am, with my fourth glass of red wine. My future husband standing just a few feet away from me swiveling his hips and waving his arms (with the soft hands) to Prince�s �Erotic City�.

Now how am I supposed to believe I wasn�t about to plan the wedding of the year to Liberace?!?

Roger comes up to me and says:

Roger: �He�s not gay.�

Annie: �You better invite me to your wedding.�

Roger: �Shut up. I�m serious. He just came up to me and said �You�re friend Annie is so cute. I�m too shy to talk to her.��

Annie: �Yeah, in gay-ese that means �You�re friend Annie ith thuch a DIVA! Where did she get that handbag?!?� See Roger, you�re problem is that you�re mistaking the gay �I wanna BE her!!!� for the straight �I wanna have SOME SEX with her�.�

Roger: You�re a pain in the ass.

Annie: You�re mad at me??? I�m the one who fucking shaved her legs for a gay man tonight!!!

I watched attractive co-worker dance up a storm. I closed my eyes and laughed to myself because someday this would be a great story to tell my children (that I WOULDN�T be having with him).

When it was time to leave I begged Roger to take me with him to go say bye. I really needed to say goodbye to him. �Who knew� I thought to myself �maybe we could be friends? Maybe, I can take him shopping with me or we can go out for soy-milk-single-shot toffee nut latte�s together�.

He smiled his smile and I politely shook his hand.

�It was nice meeting you�

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