May 05, 2005 - 6:30 pm

I havenít cried in over 14 hours which is a record considering how Iíve been the last two weeks.

One more relationship is over. I wish it wasnít and I didnít want it to be, but as sad as I am about losing this person, I know Ė in my heart that this is for the best.

It was getting too difficult, to the point where it didnít even seem as though we were speaking the same language to each other. We were both just huge open wounds and every time one of us tried consoling the other we might as well have been making the wounds even bigger.

I know Iíll get through this. Iíll start writing again. I can start dancing again.

But it still hurts.

It hurt especially at 4:00am this morning.

See, typically I get myself through the day by pretending itís not really over. Thatís the only way I can maintain a state of semi-contentedness. I pretend that he is just on vacation and that heíll be back soon and all will be well again. Weíll go back to making dinner, drinking a couple beers and then spooning until we fall asleep.

At night though, and in the mornings, I canít escape that he isnít there with me. I canít shake the thought that itís over, when I didnít believe this would really ever happen.

There are so many questions I have but Iím smart enough to know that the answers wonít make me understand or feel any better.

I keep thinking that this is what I deserve for having hurt others in the past. This pain that Iím carrying is what Iíve forced my ex-boyfriends to carry around in the past. As gentle as one may try to be in telling someone else itís over, itís still going to be heart-breaking. Has anyone else ever done this? Believed that the reason they are in so much pain is because theyíve hurt others in the past?

I never meant to hurt anyone.

Hereís another thing Iíd like to ask. How do you know when someone really means it when they say ďIíd like for us to be friendsĒ? Iíve never said that to someone that I didnít really feel that way towards. But break-ups, especially break-up emails, can be misleading.

My sister looked at me as I was getting dressed this morning and for the first time in months she spoke to me sternly:

ďLook at how much weight youíve lost in the past couple weeks. Youíre not eating.Ē

ďWell, thatís what happens when you lose someone you love. Iíll eat when Iím hungry. I wonít waste away, I promise. I just havenít felt like eating anything.Ē

Itís not entirely true though. Iíve felt like letting myself waste away. When I lie in bed in the mornings after my alarm goes off and I stare at the spot where he used to sleep, I feel like wasting away.

I want to write again, but I want it to make me happy. For this reason, Iím not going to write about this break-up anymore. Iíll write about the small things that make me smile or laugh. I havenít lost perspective I know those things still exist.

I just really miss someone.

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