May 05, 2005 - 6:30 pm

I haven�t cried in over 14 hours which is a record considering how I�ve been the last two weeks.

One more relationship is over. I wish it wasn�t and I didn�t want it to be, but as sad as I am about losing this person, I know � in my heart that this is for the best.

It was getting too difficult, to the point where it didn�t even seem as though we were speaking the same language to each other. We were both just huge open wounds and every time one of us tried consoling the other we might as well have been making the wounds even bigger.

I know I�ll get through this. I�ll start writing again. I can start dancing again.

But it still hurts.

It hurt especially at 4:00am this morning.

See, typically I get myself through the day by pretending it�s not really over. That�s the only way I can maintain a state of semi-contentedness. I pretend that he is just on vacation and that he�ll be back soon and all will be well again. We�ll go back to making dinner, drinking a couple beers and then spooning until we fall asleep.

At night though, and in the mornings, I can�t escape that he isn�t there with me. I can�t shake the thought that it�s over, when I didn�t believe this would really ever happen.

There are so many questions I have but I�m smart enough to know that the answers won�t make me understand or feel any better.

I keep thinking that this is what I deserve for having hurt others in the past. This pain that I�m carrying is what I�ve forced my ex-boyfriends to carry around in the past. As gentle as one may try to be in telling someone else it�s over, it�s still going to be heart-breaking. Has anyone else ever done this? Believed that the reason they are in so much pain is because they�ve hurt others in the past?

I never meant to hurt anyone.

Here�s another thing I�d like to ask. How do you know when someone really means it when they say �I�d like for us to be friends�? I�ve never said that to someone that I didn�t really feel that way towards. But break-ups, especially break-up emails, can be misleading.

My sister looked at me as I was getting dressed this morning and for the first time in months she spoke to me sternly:

�Look at how much weight you�ve lost in the past couple weeks. You�re not eating.�

�Well, that�s what happens when you lose someone you love. I�ll eat when I�m hungry. I won�t waste away, I promise. I just haven�t felt like eating anything.�

It�s not entirely true though. I�ve felt like letting myself waste away. When I lie in bed in the mornings after my alarm goes off and I stare at the spot where he used to sleep, I feel like wasting away.

I want to write again, but I want it to make me happy. For this reason, I�m not going to write about this break-up anymore. I�ll write about the small things that make me smile or laugh. I haven�t lost perspective I know those things still exist.

I just really miss someone.

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park