June 16, 2004 - 1:15 pm

This is what I want more than anything else in the world right now.

Now, I know this is going to sound mean and insensitive to some but I can honestly say that right now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I hope that one good thing can come out of Abu Ghraib. Maybe, just maybe, one of those soldiers invented some sort of a muzzle for human beings that prevents them from making sounds. I also hope that he’s smart enough to auction it off on eBay so that I might get said contraption and STRAP IT TO THE HEAD OF MY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR’S NOISY GIRLFRIEND!

Seriously, I’m tired. I’m soooo fucking tired of listening to her moaning while they’re having sex. Normally, I think it’s hysterical. I used to love hearing people have sex and –I’ll admit it- have even been turned on by it from time to time. However, this has NEVER been the case with the couple downstairs.

Okay, background information:

My downstairs neighbor’s name is Rudy. Rudy is kind of like the superintendent of our building. He’s a carpenter and he looks kind of like a taller Joe Pesci with dark skin and salt and pepper hair. I like Rudy, he’s a nice guy and he actually remembers my name. If I had to guess Rudy’s age, I’d say…50 or so?

Rudy’s girlfriend…blech.

I’m not even sure I want to write about it right now, I did just eat.

She (we’ll call her Brandy because she looks like a Brandy) looks to be about 40 years old but I would guess that she’s one of those women who insists she’s still 29. Brandy wears velour workout suits and is always smiling, which to me, is usually a sign of stupidity. She had an obsession with the song “Strong Enough” by Sheryl Crow and now she won’t stop listening to Black Eyed Peas’s “Hey Mama” (and we all know how I feel about Black Eyed Peas). Brandy puts these songs on repeat and what’s even worse, she does so at 7:15 in the A.M.!!!

I can hear her singing and she has a horrible voice, just awful, really. See, one time in college I visited a HIV test lab with about 12 rhesus monkey’s and their primal screams were like a sonata compared to this bitch, catch my drift?

So I want a muzzle for Brandy. Something to prevent her from making any type of sound, ESPECIALLY at 7 in the morning.

My mother is coming to stay with me and I’m worried that she’s going to be able to hear them having sex too. Now we all know how awkward that can be. If we both heard them doing it, I would imagine I’d feel the same way I did when I was a kid watching a movie with a sex scene in it and my mother would walk in just as the girl was screaming something akin to “Oh yes! FUCK ME HARDER!”. (Is it just me or did anyone else’s parents have the uncanny ability to walk in at this very moment also?)

For your sake, I hope not. It wasn’t fun.

Peace out. Welcome to the new people who have added me as favorites since yesterday, thanks for stopping by!

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park

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