October 22, 2003 - 11:55 am

Dear Eli's Mummy,

Thank you so much for reading my diary and signing my guestbook. You kick so much ass and i'm so lucky to have a future mum-in-law that's so nice and that lets me say "ass" in front of her. i can't wait 'til christmas to hang out with you again. You get to meet my little sister too. She's just like me, only shorter, shyer and smarter. She's 18 and terribly cute. i'm thinking maybe Pooker can show her around Canada? Eh? Are you with me mummy? Yeah, i think you are.

Beanie Baby

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Dear Mami,

I'm sorry i said "ass" up there. I do TOO have a lot of respect for Eli's mum! You know mom, you can pretend that you hate hearing me use bad language all you want, but the fact is I say it around you all the time and you think it's funny. Yeah, that's right, i'm outing you! Now everyone will know what a horrible mami you are because you let your 24 year old daughter say words like "ass" and "shit" in front of you - and you like it!

I fucking love you so much mom.

Your favorite daughter (it's okay, you can admit it)

Annie

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Dear Eli,

Don't worry about me going back to school because you're coming with me to be my little man servant. You will "relieve" me of any stress and feed me grapes while you fan me with banana leaves. In return, you will get to sit on your ass for the rest of your life while your wifey makes all the loot.

Your everlovin,

Bean

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Dear Upstairs neighbor,

Your are the worst fucking neighbor ever! i hate you like i hate sitting on chairs that have someone else's body heat on them. i can't believe you fucking pound on your floor when i accidently drop something or a door slams. accidents happen, moron!

Anyhow, you don't fucking scare me. I'm tempted to just go up there and kick your ass next time you drop one of your fucking weights on the floor. No, you know what? I'm going to wait until you're having sex with your little concubine at 3 in the morning and then i'm going to start banging on your door like the worlds 'bout to end. that'll teach you to fucking pound on my roof, fucking shit-faced mother fucker.

your worst nightmare,

ann dub

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Dear Arnold,

aren't you embarassed? the whole world is laughing at you and california. have you no shame? step down, freak. you can't do this job, no way in hell. if anything gets fixed it will be because you surrounded yourself with people who actually have some knowledge of politics, the economy, fiscal management and public opinion. i will not give you any credit for shit.

your angry constituent,

annie

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dear co-worker with the bad breath,

please don't get close to me. your breath be stank. i don't know whats wrong with you because it's a stank like no other. do you have a sinus infection?

i wish i could ask our boss to tell you this tactfully but...

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Dear boss,

you have B.O. now i know you're busy and all, but please find time for showers. they're kinda nice, if the water's warm. see boss, i want you to talk to co-worker about his breath but you talking to him about that is like preaching to the choir or something, only the opposite, i think.

your always busy and efficient employee,

annie

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dear tech coordinator,

yeah, you! i know you read this when you spy on me. hey, it's cool. i don't mind that much. as long as you keep your mouth shut. i have your address. just kidding, i'm not really threatening to you. hey, how much exactly do you value your motorcycle?

just wondering,

annie :)

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Dear kitty,

i'm sorry you have eosinophilic granuloma. you are handling it like a trooper though. that's my girl. i love you.

your food dispenser and provider of a warm lap,

annie

p.s. i gave you a bath on Monday and you already stink like a wild animal. what is up with that, kitty?

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Dear roger,

thank you for taking me to go see Top Dog/Underdog last night. i really liked the play. i'm sorry you didn't. i kinda knew you wouldn't since it was about black people and you're from Millbrae where apparently there is 1.2% black people.

either way i am excited that i got to see a play that as you put it, "won, like a pulitzer or nobel prize or something big that wasn't a Tony".

That would be 2002 Pulitzer dear. Really, there is more to life than musicals.

you are so white, i love you.

much love from your ghetto friend,

annie

p.s. can't wait til london!

Friday Bingo - Pigeons in the Park